So here I am sitting on my couch. I already know the answers to questions that I ask myself and people around me. I already know how to go through the processes of friendship. I already know what it takes for commitment in friendships/relationships. I know what to do. I know how to do it. So whats the problem?
I’m talking about relationships. I have gone down the road far too long with relationship after relationship with girl after girl. I’m not saying I had a long line of girls that I’ve dated. The line is probably much shorter than many people I know. What I’m saying is that I’ve been done with that road for a while now. Yet I still continue to try and go down that road time and time again.
God has closed that road. He has put a sign on that road and said the bridge up ahead is out, you better not take this way. Why don’t I listen. I know the bridge is out. I know that way is not possible, but yet I still tried to go down that road this summer. I’ve royally screwed up in the summer. Went into something of a “relationship” with a girl from my work just to feel something, but nothing. It was that same feeling I got after trying to be with someone who I wasn’t supposed to be with. There was a lack of commitment because God hadn’t given a clear yes. Most of the times the only thing clear was the no. I just didn’t listen too well. I used people. They might not have used me, but I used them. They understand it. They have forgiven me and I try not to go down that road again.
I hang out with friends of the opposite sex only to a certain point knowing that if I continue to hang out with them that eventually I’ll find a stupid way to get around the word “friendship” to “maybe I wanna give this a shot” to “we’re just playing around” to “it’s complicated” to “ok- now we’re just using each other.” The reason it happens in that order is because of what has happened all my life. My family line is made up of people who just got together to play around and then eventually just linked together because of either circumstances or need. I’m no exception! My family line is made up of drunks, rapists, and some other stuff that I just don’t want to get into. I hate it! Can I say that? I’m not exactly proud of this name I carry. It doesn’t say “hey I’m a guy from a great family so my values/ things I were taught were awesome.”
I’m not saying my Mom didn’t do an excellent job in my family. That’s just the point. My Mom took us kids aside, got us in church, and raised us with the church. She knew our whole family line sucked. She knew what the outcome was if we continued down that road. She didn’t want it. So she tried and continues to try to keep us on the right and moving in the forward direction. So that’s where I stand. That’s where my good morals come from. That’s where “Bible College” came from. That’s where all that comes from. But there’s still some crap and it’s not my Mom’s fault. It’s just life. I do just get annoyed with it.
And that right is mine. I also believe I have somewhat of a right to be humbly annoyed. I humble myself alot. I do it to people, to myself, to the school, to my friends, to my family, to people I don’t even know at all. I do it because it works. Not only does it work, but it brings hope to my life and the lives involved. Jesus knew that very well when he humbled himself to mankind for death on a cross. Why I’m humbly annoyed is hard to explain so let me throw it out there for you.
I’m humble to my position in life, yet annoyed with things right now. I want to be humble, am humble, but yet annoyed at the same time. This doesn’t just pertain to relationships or lack of them, but to life in general. Do I have a right to say so? I have an excellent job making minimum wage and couldn’t be happier that I even have a job considering my situation. People around me get raises, but I don’t because of maybe a lack of commitment… due to medical stuff.
So that’s the answer. I’m humbly annoyed because of my medical stuff. I’m happy with it. Trust me I’m not extatic, but I’m happy that’s all it is. It could be different and thus I take pride in my condition because God has me here for a reason. I could be in a different spot. I could be dating, have a car, great grades, a better paying job, more awake to do the things I need/want to do, etc. These are all things I could be having/doing if I didn’t have my medical. What I’m saying is that I’m alright that it wasn’t so, but I’m also sad. Sadness deep inside my core is yearning to launch out one of these nights just to grieve for all the crap in life. Under the circumstances I should/could have been these things, but God changed that through a situation in life that I can never change. It was out of my control. There was no way to get around it. There is blame that’s been said, but we’re all human. I forgive the ones to blame for the situation in my life because I, too, am human and make stupid mistakes. God’s got me here, humbled, and I continue to seek him.
I wrote this note because many things are happening at Davis College this year. It’s probably the same like every year, but it just hits me harder it seems this year. People have “hooked up” and that lonliness inching aching feeling is starting to set in. People are getting those great grades and the lack of them on my part is killing me slowly. I took pride in my work and now I have nothing much to take pride in, but for whatever progress I make, I am thankful not prideful. People have those cars and I lack one that I desperately soon need for work. They don’t have a job, responsibility, or structure, but have a car. That’s annoying to me. People have money and I always need that money to humbly pay back those that have given who also are in need. Those are friends that I’m in debt to. They love me unconditionally.
I’m not asking “where’s God?” I know where Elohim is. He is right here. He is in this room. He is sitting next to me. He’s outside looking through the window. Comprehensively, he’s everywhere. God has very much control of my life and I’m not mad at him for making it the way it is. I’m humbled. I don’t want control of my life because I know the direction I’ll take it will eventually destroy everything about me and around me. I wait for him. He has said yes to Davis College, yes to working for a nice company making minimum wage, yes to having an apartment to share, yes to the food I have, yes to the friends I’m with, yes to alot of things I can never understand. I do not want to go without him because he directs my paths. He turns my roads. He builds my bridges. He sets me the direction I need to go. He gives me the freedom to choose it.
I’m humbly annoyed because I fear others have not found it. My heart with a passion goes out to them because they are the ones lost. They know destruction lies ahead, but continue to walk. Maybe they prepare the way ahead. Maybe they throw up their shields of wealth, power, love, control, strength, etc. They don’t know what will happen, but I do. They eventually fall, weak, unstable, and scared. They will be lost because their strength, their sheild, their protection wasn’t everlasting. It was only conditional. It didn’t solve their problems, but hid them from humanity. Their protection has withered away. The devil, the evil powers can attack full strength on them. They will be destroyed forever with no pass go’s, no new starts, no “please give me a chance”‘s. I see that. It says that in the Bible. Are you in for God, protector, sustainer, deliverer OR are you out for nothing but destruction and “it’s over.”
Let your yes be yes and your no be no. -Matthew 5:37
